User Profile

I joined the Church as a convert (without my family) in England in the late 1970s at a time when giving blacks the priesthood was still thought of as being quite radical. That soon changed afterwards! I was 20 at the time and was pushed to go on a mission because there was a shortage of English missionaries. I missed out on seminary and young men but in those days I was so enthusiastic about the Church that I went out with as good a knowledge of the scriptures as anybody else, although I missed out a bit on background. I had feelings (which I had tried to hide from myself) that I was bisexual, but didn't do much about it, although I had to lie about the masturbation question to get through all the interviews! Nevertheless, the first time I ever had anything artificial up my backside was when I went for my medical just before being sent out on a mission (do they still do that; I can remember the doctor stating how he couldn't see the purpose?).

Ironically, I was sent to Copenhagen, Denmark on my mission. Denmark was at the time streets ahead of any other country in terms of gay rights, exactly the wrong place to send a young guy confused over his sexuality. I didn't last very long on my mission. I had a companion whose little factory turned out to be a big factory, he made my own factory into a big factory and you can guess the rest! Needless to see, a few days later we both felt guilty about it and went to confess all to the Mission President. I did it in style, lighting up a cigarette in his office before I told him (they could only excommunicate me once!). What shocked me the most about the whole thing was how when I told the Mission president how I felt it really jolted his own testimony, and how he betrayed my confidence by telling his wife and other missionaries what I had told him.

After being sent home excommunicated and in disgrace I had nothing to do with the Church for some 14 years. During that period I adopted a gay lifestyle and had a number of relationships, the longest of which lasted 5 years. I went to University in England where I was openly gay / bisexual. I felt rather bitter towards the Church, as I didn't feel my sexuality was my own fault, felt convinced I was gay in the pre-existence, and felt I had been badly treated by something which I had once believed in so strongly.

Eventually I found my way back to the Church, and after going through a repentance period and getting my temple recommend back I met my wife. We have two children, both of primary age. I still consider myself to be bisexual and my wife knows about my background, although we do not talk about it. I would not want either of my children to know about it, but they are both too young to understand at the moment. After having re-established myself in the Church I am serving on the Stake High Council but have never been on the bishopric, and my wife serves as Relief Society President. Having the calling I have does not stop me from having my doubts about the Church, and I have to lie to get a temple recommend as I no longer have a testimony. There are other issues other than the Church's position on gays and lesbians which now cause me to doubt all that I once held true, but I feel I must continue practising as a Latter Day Saint even though in reality I do not believe any more.The main problem isn't really the sex thing, it is all the boring meetings I have to attend where I hear exactly the same things as I heard in the previous meeting, and I often go home afterwards thinking what a complete waste of an evening that meeting was when I would rather have been with my family. I haven't smoked since I started coming back to Church, but I do like the occasional drink on the quiet. I do my home teaching, but quite frankly sympathise with the less active families who I visit (and genuinely like). This might make me sound like a bit of a wimp, but I do love my wife and children dearly and will stay active in the Church for their sake. Also, in my day job I am a school teacher and some of the children from LDS families attend the schools where I teach, including the bishop's youngest son. If I stopped going to Church It would affect families other than my own.

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